If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Everytime I put my phone between my legs when I'm driving I lose signal. I know phone, it's been a dead zone there lately. I hate it too.

The rapist van in front of me is swerving everywhere. Must have a fighter back there.

Did you fall from heaven? Because, have sex with me.

If this bitch behind me rides my ass any harder I'm gonna need her to at least pull my hair & call me a whore.

Anyone else just lay in bed and make mental movies of perfect scenarios in life?

I like to sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency, I immediately make it sexy.

unfollowers’ backwards is ‘srewollofnu’ and ‘srewollofnu’ means ‘horrible cunts’ in a language i just made up.

How awkward is it when you're masturbating to someone's avi & accidentally yell out the wrong user name

I want bruises in the shape of your hands on my hips.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a terrible way to tell your child that they're adopted.

Girls don't like boys, girls like men with beards.

Beards. They make good girls go bad.

Random Lady: You smell so good! What's the name of your perfume? Me: Marijuana.

Your beard would look better between my legs.

Your baby is fucking ugly. Stop posting pictures of it on facebook!

There are millions of planets in millions of galaxies that all revolve around just one point in the universe. That point is not you.

Masturbating with my left hand is like trying to solve a rubiks cube. It may take a while, but I'll finish eventually.

You know that counting sheep isn't working when you start imagining detailed back-stories for each of them.

Fuck you for not being here to sex me up.