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"Honey, I'm home!" —a very lonely bear
Q: How many pushups can I do? A: All of them.
In Hell, the only thing you're allowed to eat is the edge of Pop-Tarts.
If I had a dime for every time I had sex, I'd be in the hole, which is very ironic.
I just remembered that I started a game of Super Mario Bros. 11 years ago that's still paused at my grandma's house.
Romney's health care plan: Give everyone a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins. #debate
People can't cheat death; they must beat him fair and square in a fiddle-playing competition.
"Parkour!" - squirrels
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, you're probably in love with a boomerang, you weirdo.
I know that I, not a woman, made this sandwich because it's just a bunch of crackers and hot sauce wrapped in a torn Van Halen t-shirt.
Arkansas is just like Kansas, except with a lot more pirates living there.
"Poison Control Center." "Um, yes, can you stop Bret Michaels from ever singing again?" "Sir, that's not what we do here." "Oh."
I have to work a 10-hour shift at Wendy's tonight, yet Nicki Minaj gets paid millions to rhyme the word "guy" with "guys."
I met a cute girl in class today. She used "your" instead of "you're" in a text message to me. In retrospect, she's kind of ugly.
Pets are just napkins that can poop and run away.
IDEA: a lint roller, but for people's shame.
Calm down, Jake. It's just a coincidence your GF broke up with you the same day I posted a picture of my 1st Edition Charizard on Facebook.
I think dolphins are stupid.
(They won't be able to read this, right?)
I'm a 21-year-old journalism/PR student at The Ohio State University and proud mother of four beautiful children.