Nice try, raisins in this trail mix. Either get here when you're still grapes or come back when you're wine.

Twitter is perfect for when you want to hang out, but not with people.

Today my friend had a baby and I discovered I could successfully floss without a mirror. So we can both bask in a feeling of accomplishment.

If anything happens to me I just want you to know that my Top 25 Most Played in iTunes is in no way indicative of my actual taste in music.

Listening to Prince in the shower is dangerous if you're a terrible dancer.
I heard...

Just saw a guy leave the store with a case of Dos Equis and a bouquet if flowers. Good luck buddy, I'm rooting for ya.

Heard someone sneeze outside and yelled 'bless you' out the window. Your move, Mother Theresa.

The best way to get me to not watch your tv show is to tell me to check my local listings to find out when it's on.

I'm starting a campaign to ban the words 'truly blessed' and 'much needed' from Facebook. Who's with me?

Standing by the auto air freshener in the bathroom when it goes off is like winning the lottery. The terrible, bathroom scented lottery.

I don't see what all the fuss is about, I fold fitted sheets the same way I fold regular sheets: I don't.

"No no no I said keep the Breakfast at Tiffany's & Bob Marley posters in front at ALL TIMES." -managers of college town Targets thru Sept.

Me? I'm just sitting at a red light untangling my sunglasses, earbuds and a slinky. What are you up to?

Cousins: the leading cause of bridal and baby showers.

Ok here goes... I hear people talk about it constantly but I've never actually seen someone Dougie. Whew- it feels good to get that out.

It's not a wedding until you hear a bridesmaid talk about her boobs in the bathroom. Check. #FamilyWedding

Dropped my plugged-in flat iron into a sink full of water this morning and lived through it so this could be the day it all turns around.

Yes I have cookie crumbs in the hem of my pants, what of it?

Used the restroom at the carnival so if anyone needs me I'll be simultaneously showering and dry heaving for the next eight weeks or so.

Daylight Savings Time: Because Fall isn't already depressing enough on its own