I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night...Especially as I walked there in the first place.

People said I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins but take a look at me now?

And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

I like my coffee like I like my men.

I don't like coffee.

Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.

I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him.He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

I smashed open my piggy bank earlier.

I've got just about enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.

I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It's all been Dunhill from there.

Someone stole my mood ring today.

I dont know how i feel about this.

Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

Just finished watching that Documentary on the invention of the shovel.

Ground Breaking stuff.

Apparently there were around 10 people who really understood Einstein in his lifetime.

I must be a genius, nobody understands me.

In 20-30 years, the hardest things our kids will have to do will be finding a user name that hasn't already been taken.

Like most people my age,

I'm 21.

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.

I've written a book about a Rapper and his sunglasses collection.

I'll probably call it 50 Shades of Dre.

I had my hands amputated, now I'm not feeling very well.

I was sat in front of a roaring fire last night and I thought to myself,

Lions don't burn as well as logs.

I've always thought bottled water was a con.

Especially when I realised what 'Evian' spells backward.

February 29th.

The only day that a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him.