Whenever I wash a peach, I feel like I'm ruining someone's suede couch.

If teenaged girls are on a train going the speed of light passing Matthew McConaughey, would he get older, while they stay the same age?

"Yello?" - Cool dads everywhere, when they answer the phone.

I always assume that men with very well-sculpted beards are also really into fonts.

Actually my fave Beatles song is the one where Paul is all "Wooo!" and John is sarcastic and Ringo plays the drums and George has eyebrows.

What's the emoticon for "Kafkaesque"?

[Mick Jagger yelling "Siri! Cocaine!" at his garage door opener.]

Feeling sort of weirded out by Twitter these days... So we just try and say funny things forever?

Welcome to the jungle / We got snacks and punch

I find I'm most productive when I hate myself.

Et tu, Broseph?

CHAIR HOPE. (I didn't create this.) http://t.co/KJfza6Wx

It's getting hot in herrre / So contemplate your death / (I am getting so hot) / (I'm gonna contemplate death)

I wish I was a little bit taller / I wish I was a baller / I wish my life were scored by Gustav Mahler

I don't so much want to watch a movie on Netflix, as scroll through the site indecisively for two hours.

I'm on the Internet and annoying the hell out of myself. Hi everyone. Hello. Hi.

In a sense, aren't we all just Jenny from the Block?

A be-diapered Rush Limbaugh, dancing in his office, singing huskily under his breath: "Who likes short shorts... Rush likes short shorts..."

Saying I'm "out of shape" would suggest I've ever been "in shape." I'm also not "out of a volcano."

Anne Romney breaks the silence at dinner by saying, "I'm really getting into apps these days!"