My super power is thinking of hilarious tweets and then forgetting them by the time I find my phone.

Badasses who secretly like to cuddle are the most badass of all.

Sometimes the moral hang over is worse than the physical hangover.

I text my mom "I'm alive" once a day. Daughter of the year, right here.

If you guys think keeping up with Twitter is hard now, JUST WAIT until you get a job.

I joined Twitter as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Twitter.

Sometimes, playing dead is easier than thinking of words.

It's so cute how guys think they can see me naked after talking to me for 5 minutes.

I purposely chose an Avi that would use up a lot of ink when you perverts printed it.

I hate it when I die on the inside.

Trying to think of a time when it's ok for two dudes to be riding around in a convertable with the top down.... still thinking....

Not trusting anyone isn't the best way to live, but it's the best way to survive.

Just because I miss you, doesn't mean I don't think you're an asshole.

Having 2 kids must be a lot like having 2 remotes. If you lose one, you're fucked.

I don't want you to complete me, I just want to be broken together.

I hope this video finishes buffering before I run out of snacks.

I'm an open book, I'm just missing a few pages.

It's very unlikely you'll end up at the same prison as your Twitter crush. But not impossible.

Just went on a date with myself.

I ate both dinners.

I'm at the perfect age, if you don't give a fuck about age.