There's no way that will fit in me!

#ThingsThatArentTrueWhenYourDrunk

Look I have no fucking idea what is wrong with men. I'd be a lesbian if I didn't like cock so much.

Why do ugly women have husbands and I'm still single???

Free alcohol always tastes better than the stuff I buy.

My hair conditioner just squirted in my face for the third time. Think we have a relationship.

"No Mum, I'm not drinking alone; I have Twitter".

My boobs need a massage.

I wish men got periods instead of women.

Drugs, alcohol and a dead spider. What more could a woman ask for?

All my track pants have gone missing. It's like the fashion police did a raid in my sleep.

Other people's husbands are off limits.

#ThingsThatArentTrueWhenYourDrunk

I need to meet a guy that can cook. I give great blow jobs, I'm sure that's a fair trade.

I love my hand held shower head. It squirts everywhere. Gives me happy tingles all over. Mmmmmm.

Maybe guys don't like me coz I'm a poor student. Fuck you. I'll be making 100K+ when I'm a Dr. Your loss assholes.

I love a long hot shower. Wanted to share, but there was no one there, except a millipede, so I let him stay.

It's 3am, 6 degrees and I can't sleep because men fucking suck!!!!!!

My son bets a million dollars there is no #RAPTURE
Smart kid! I'm proud : )

Smart, pretty, kinky....wtf else do you guys want. Seriously!!

My mum tried to give me second hand motel towels. I don't care how many times they have been washed, they have still wiped 100's of arses.

Ooooohhhhh!!! My phone just vibrated in my lap! That's the most fun I've had all day.