Joining an online gym.

You make me wish I had more middle fingers.

I wish Twitter had an entrance exam.

"If you watch Cinderella backwards it's about a woman who learns her place."

For every RT this tweet gets I will throw a peanut M&M at one of my brothers while they sleep.

People who have the word 'genius' in their user name but spell it 'genious' make my days that much brighter.

Hey people in commercials, calm the fuck down.

Remember when Pluto was a planet and people made real music?

"If I could sleep with any celebrity, living or dead, I probably would."

"Asians are really safe." "There are Asian gangs, you know." "Yeah, they're called study groups." #dead

I'm the Egg McMuffin of not knowing how to do this joke correctly.

Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, shame about what's gonna happen to your face.

Charles Darwin's birthday is the same day that Whitney Houston died and Snooki confirmed she's pregnant. Survival of the fittest MY ASS.

Dear all of my Instagram people- thanks again for the cloud pictures. Honestly.

So let me get this straight, America... pizza's a vegetable now but weed's still illegal?

Don't you wish your girlfriend was vegging out on a couch watching Fight Club and eating pizza in her PJs like me?

No pressure, you guys, but I've practiced my ToTD thank you speech so many times I think I've practically memorized it, so.

Facebook is where I go to be nice. Twitter is where I go to be funny. I need someplace to bitch and talk shit about lot of people.

Locked Twitter accounts are basically just text messages on the internet, right?

Not gon' lie; it upsets me just a little bit when people don't respond to my tweets. Sometimes I work for MINUTES on these things, you guys.