I bet walking on sunshine is more painful than that songs makes it out to be

When will it be socially acceptable to carry around a briefcase filled with waffles?

When i can open a jar of salsa on my first try it's hard to believe that I'm just an ordinary man

Just saw an accident and I thanked god it happened on the other side of the road and didn't delay my trip

I believed in love once then she dropped my plate of lasagna.

I will never love again

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are meteors headed towards earth to get free end of the world sex?

Made myself some hot chocolate and accidentally put whipped cream cheese on it instead of whipped cream. Not as tasty. I repeat NOT AS TASTY

Just watched my first episode of Desperate Housewives and I wonder if people realize that half the show is just people knocking on doors

I hate how women are all "you'll never know what it's like to give birth!"

Uh, yeah I will. I've eaten cheese for 4 days straight

The fuck? My liver just tore up my organ donor card

Is a naughty librarian really that sexy? Because every librarian I've seen is over weight and over 60.

I sometimes breathe in people's faces and ask "guess what I just ate?"

"AH FUCK MY ASS!" - my poor choice of words when stubbing my toe at a gay bar I accidentally walked into

If Liam Neeson doesn't whip out his 2ft cock and mushroom stamp the bad guys in Taken 2, then why even film it?

The best part about my gym is I can show up in my thong and no one is allowed to say anything. "judgement free zone"

When I hear someone say "fail" I literally punch them in the throat, so imagine what I do when I hear "epic fail"

Tried to search for the best Glory Hole in my area but google maps isn't picking anything up

Ugh, feelings

"you're gonna get ringworm" -me, to everyone barefooted

What kind of crazy people actually say "I love you"? Ew, gross.


Somebody love me, please