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I bet walking on sunshine is more painful than that songs makes it out to be
When will it be socially acceptable to carry around a briefcase filled with waffles?
When i can open a jar of salsa on my first try it's hard to believe that I'm just an ordinary man
Just saw an accident and I thanked god it happened on the other side of the road and didn't delay my trip
I believed in love once then she dropped my plate of lasagna.
I will never love again
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are meteors headed towards earth to get free end of the world sex?
Made myself some hot chocolate and accidentally put whipped cream cheese on it instead of whipped cream. Not as tasty. I repeat NOT AS TASTY
Just watched my first episode of Desperate Housewives and I wonder if people realize that half the show is just people knocking on doors
I hate how women are all "you'll never know what it's like to give birth!"
Uh, yeah I will. I've eaten cheese for 4 days straight
The fuck? My liver just tore up my organ donor card
Is a naughty librarian really that sexy? Because every librarian I've seen is over weight and over 60.
I sometimes breathe in people's faces and ask "guess what I just ate?"
"AH FUCK MY ASS!" - my poor choice of words when stubbing my toe at a gay bar I accidentally walked into
If Liam Neeson doesn't whip out his 2ft cock and mushroom stamp the bad guys in Taken 2, then why even film it?
The best part about my gym is I can show up in my thong and no one is allowed to say anything. "judgement free zone"
When I hear someone say "fail" I literally punch them in the throat, so imagine what I do when I hear "epic fail"
Tried to search for the best Glory Hole in my area but google maps isn't picking anything up
"you're gonna get ringworm" -me, to everyone barefooted
What kind of crazy people actually say "I love you"? Ew, gross.
Somebody love me, please
on the front lines for the war against rabid Oompa loompas. Billy Zane and Val Kilmer are my godfathers