Currently accepting applications for a soulful black best friend to say things to me like, "Girrrrl, you better off without him!"

@jon2012girls I've realized these debates are like American Idol. Only the bad auditions get screen time.

I forget how this works with communication degrees -- do they hand the diploma to me or do they throw it straight in the garbage?

How did Anne Frank, a 15 yr old Jewish girl confined to an attic, have a boyfriend and yet I, free to move about the world, am still single.

I'm not saying I'm desperate for attention, but I do LOOK AT ME YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES WHEN I TALK.

Friends don't let friends "blog about it".

I can't wait for it to finally be 2013 and my holiday-depression can go back to being just depression.

Yes! Yes of course your can buy me a drin-- NO DON'T TOUCH ME.

Instead of listing similar movies, my Netflix Recommends Tab has just started suggesting I, "Take a break" or "Catch some sunlight."

Exciting news-- I'm with child! Hope the mother who turned her back for a second at the grocery store is cool with it.

The couch has started to gulp nervously every time I prepare to sit on it.

"Yes, Dad, okay-- the Macy's Parade WOULD make an easy target for terrorists. Just drink your wine."

To scare the iPad generation this Halloween, I'm going to maintain eye contact during conversation.

My biggest struggle in college is finding a way to communicate to my classmates that I can be fun.

Gonna start a radio show where viewers call in and practice their break-up speeches.

Is Homeland looking for extras? Willing to play one of Bin Laden's 5 wives-- preferably one who doesn't sleep in a cave. Fingers crossed!

The CTA is like the Amtrak's younger brother that dropped out of college to pursue improv.

Just once I'd like to hear the rap lyric "Girl you better back that thing up" followed by "Nice parallel parking".

It's raining! Quick ladies, update your status to "Good book and a hot coffee :)".

I like to take advantage of vulnerable drunk guys by inviting them back to my place to analyze scenes from Little Women.