@firstdatehell He read me poetry dedicated to his ex. I quivered due to suppressed laughter. He thought I was crying and passed me a tissue

My mum just told me a story about carrots. "I only needed one but didn't want to rouse suspicion. Looks pervy, one carrot. So I bought 5."

'A man's beard grows faster if he thinks about sex' - text from @athrvn, whose beard grows at an alarming rate.

My sister is watching the news. A rare occurrence. She looks stricken. "Why is North Korea frontin' us? Kip of him. Kim MONG-un." Hmm.

I'm SO lucky. pic.twitter.com/cl4RfgGl

@athrvn pic.twitter.com/tR3te526

@athrvn If you Google 'David Bowie likes..' the first result is 'black women'.

@janinelove87 You're black?

http://t.co/06D9QYNA

'Louise, who left prostitution two years ago due to arthritis..'

I convinced my little sister Purple Aki was her real dad when she was little. Me ma reminded me before.

@igloo_liverpool It's 'you're' you fucking gimps.

It's official. 'Wolf Like Me' by @tvontheradio has made it onto my 'Ironing' playlist. Big day for those guys.

I enter the canteen armed with a book and an iPod in an effort to ward off other diners. Never fucking works. I'm going to stop bathing.

@the_itch1980 Café Pieper in Amsterdam Centrum is sound.

For no discernible reason, management have advised that fedoras, stetsons and sombreros will be permitted tomorrow. What fresh hell?

@janinelove87 We are sun and moon, dear friend; we are sea and land.

"No you're not." Then followed an attempt to engage passersby. "She's not married. Look at her, she's not married! Ha. Liar."

Solange > Beyoncé  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy9W_mrY_Vk …

@lucasemorton YER WHA?