Anal sex is overrated. I tried it and it felt like shit.

I'm not going to be mean and say your kid looks retarded, however I am going to be a good friend and let you know your kid looks retarded.

Yeah I star my own tweets. Compared to the other stuff I do to myself, its not that big of a deal.

Thanks to Facebook I can stare at girls for hours without creeping them out anymore.

I tried to suck the cable guy's dick for free cable. Related: This only works for girls.

I'm terrible at playing Memory with my kids but ask me where the nearest strip club is and I can take you there with my eyes closed.

"I think the better question officer is: Do YOU know how fast I was going?"

When I told you I loved you, I was just passing a message on from my dick to your vagina. Sorry for the confusion.

Sometimes I wake up and can't remember where I put my balls. As soon as I hear you mumbling...Then I remember.

I'm jealous of the webcam girls my man jerks off to. In related news, the moisturizer on his desk was somehow refilled with self tanner.

I feel like my dick is the retarded cousin of the elephant trunk.

Men just have no idea how tough it is being a woman... Well except for Adam Lambert.

Kleenex has become the burial ground for all my unborn babies.

PRO TIP: You need to blow water wings up BEFORE you let your kid go into the pool! Oh well glad I have 1 more.

"I hate when girls use their boobs as their avitar" - No one ever in the history of Twitter.

Without going into too much detail, if my dick was a gun, I accidentally shot myself in the face this morning.

Co-Worker: A retarded monkey could do your job.
Me: Well, then that must be one smart retarded monkey.

Well FUCK YOU! I didn't want your stupid fucking stars anyways...Awww baby I'm sorry I didn't mean it. You know your stars are the best.

Today I realized something important: I don't speak Russian.

The worst part about gang rape is waiting your turn.