When you say, "That's gay" I interpret it as, "That's stylish, funny, unthreatening and better than me"
In case you were wondering.

A black guy once called me a "Homie" so I check "other" when asked for my race.

I don't go to strip clubs because it would be redundant.
There's already a "look but don't touch" policy at home.

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Then it puts its hand up on its hip, when I dip it dips we dip

I wouldn't say I hate myself. There's a lot of people that hate me and I prefer to think of it as a team thing.
We hate myself.

I only smoke for the health tips from complete motherfucking strangers

Blowjobs or handshakes, the important thing to remember is eye contact

When there was only 1 set of footprints in the sand, it's because sandpeople travel in a single line to hide their numbers #StarWarsTaughtMe

I know I've disappointed so many people that wrote "Stay cool" in my yearbook

I have two tweets, zero followers and a link to my Favstar account in my profile...I believe the word is "Narcissism".

I don't watch football, but I do talk to women.
Keep that in mind, unattentive guys that leave your ladies unguarded

I shall call this woman "The Sting" because she starts with a Bee and ends in an itch

Some days, waking up alive is like getting socks for Christmas

I want to be the reason you clear your browser history

Where do you think the spider is? - Shit not to say to me after I walk into a spider web

Dear 16yo self,

Guess what? You live past 18.
And 21.
And even 27.
Now go to college, fuckwad.

Signed,
28 yo self

Relationship life cycle:
1) Friends with benefits
2) Dating
3) Engaged
4) Newlyweds
5) Parents
6) Friends without benefits

I know you guys are worried about me because you haven't seen me around in a while, but I'll be back soon! - Jude Law.

Also, me

Hello Coke, have you met my friend, Jack Daniels?
He wants to be inside you

When potential employers ask me, "Why did you leave that position?" during an interview I answer, "I decided I'd rather drink all day."