Words can't describe how happy I was when I saw the "we're back b!@tches!" billboard @daveandchuck @chuckthefreak @lisawaay @101wrif

You know the saying: If you see a gun during the first act, tell an usher cuz holy sh*t that's WAY worse than texting.

Please don't have kids just because you can. There are much better reasons to bring a life into this awful world.

I'm basically a cross between Lewis and Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

I'm old enough to remember having awkward sex on a water bed.

DATING TIP: Pretend like I'm not way too poor for you

Somehow @brumblehag and I managed to graduate law school today. pic.twitter.com/oud19AyyFy

I'm not the girl your mom warned you about...

her imagination isn't that good.

Perk of living in the south: driving after dark with the windows down and all you can smell is honeysuckle and night blooming jasmine 💕

Warehouse 13 fans-love & gratitude 4all the support! Remember: 7 great episodes left this season! & 6 more next. Wait! That adds up to 13!

Be kind to a broken woman,

She may turn out to be the perfect puzzle.

HEY! I'm getting online now. :D And I look like mad sloot tonight, mwhahah. Come find me here in a sec! -->  http://www.myfreecams.com/?baf=7478915#evalee …

#cleavage  http://instagram.com/p/ZXDJNOuajD/ 

and that concludes today's episode of unsuccessful relationships with @mandyslamberg

a good fairy godmother carries Plan B pills just in case her princess has too many margaritas

Leaving my house while its still dark outside is not ok with me

The world was a better place when people wore glasses to see and not just save their train wreck faces.

Last week we asked who should get the #BeefyCrunchBurrito early. Tomorrow it'll be at 1 location in 1 city for 1 hour. Free. #NoJoke

I like making you cum

almost better than cumming myself.

Almost.

If I was dating myself, I would surprise me with alcohol in my juice every morning and it would be adorable.