Yo Mama is so ugly when she fights Scorpion he says "STAY OVER THERE"

Never date someone from the Internet unless you're okay with being a punch line in someone's stand up

Lent is when I determine which addictions I may still have some control over..

The Broncos did what they had to do to becoming a winning team, they sacrificed a virgin.

When it comes to sex I'm like the UN. All nations welcome.

When you tell me you named your kid “Hayden” because you’re such a “die hard Star Wars fan” you can’t get mad when I laugh at you.

You know a guy is in to you when he starts sending you non archived dick pics.

If you can't make at least one video game reference while sexting, you're doing it wrong.

Just bought a rabbit, later twitter ;)

alcohol cures sore throats right? yeah im pretty sure i read that somewhere..

Hearing Dr Oz talk about vaginal dryness makes my vagina seal shut.

I knew the exact moment when my creativity tanked when I asked my unfunny fiancée for tweets

Late night taco bell is a lot like communism. Good in theory but not so much in practice.

A good way to control over population is to not stop suicidal people.

I'm having a hard time finding anyone born after 1990 that I don't want to punch in the throat.

When masturbation can't cheer you up there's only one thing left to do.

Wait for baseball season.

All I've done tonight is get high and masterbate. Greatest Wednesday night ever.

It's okay Peyton, no you and your brother can devote all your time to being the champs of the double stuffed oreo racing league

The Nintendo power glove is not what I thought it was for and now I'm chafed really bad.

Celebrating romance awareness month by stuffing my face with Taco Bell.