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When I do push ups, I try to imagine how many I could do before my muscles explode. Then I don't do push-ups for a another year. #goodgain
The only thing Huggies Denim accomplishes is affirming kids should go in their pants.
"It's not you, it's me." My proctologist, after I heard a fart noise during my last exam.
My girlfriend texts me omg! My response: omg Rapture or omg, your mom follows me on twitter? It was neither. #mybad #ourbad #phonebillbad
When my neighbours have loud sex, I pretend she's performing CPR on him and she's failing. It helps. #twistedtricks
Theses mini, 100 cal, May West cakes are Awesome! I can get 6 in my mouth at once. #FatkinsDiet
I just showered with AXE body wash. Now I need to take another, to wash that stink off. #yikes
Before you walk a mile in my shoes, invest in odour eaters and anti-fungal cream
If at the end of a fart, there is a wet garggle noise, you got more work ahead than saying “Excuse Me!”.
Subconsciously I made my 666th tweet about the Zombie Apocalypse, now my cat is meowing in basement..."You're on your own Puss!". #headstart
To Adult Undergarments: For helping the elderly keep their shit together. #SatShoutOut
How is it possible we can't run a car on Egg Salad Sandwiches?
To Irony: For allowing the humorless to appear clever. #SatShoutOut #thankheavens
The Boogeyman would be much scarier if we told children he was made up of all the boggars they pick. BOOM! 2 birds, 1 Tweet.
My mom says "Your tweets aren't funny, honey!". I'm looking
for a second opinion... and a new mom.
I rode her like I rode my first bike. After the first push, I fell off and cried.
Defence Mechanism? What exactly am I defending?
We need to STOP all these twittercide tweets, before they dream up CSI Twitterverse.
If Burt & Ernie helped kids accept homosexuality, what are Big Bird & Snufflepagus promoting? #bestiality #FTW
I'm a Newfie, that's my 'N' word. You've been warned. To avoid sounding stupid, I use humor. If that works, re-tweet it, if not...who asked ya?