I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.

Just read a comment on facebook that said "you look gorjus."

WHO THE FUCK WRITES LIKE THAT?

I mean this is completely outrajus.

Eat, prey, love - Zombie romantic comedy.

Some people never EVER shut the fuck up and then when I hit them with an exhaust pipe, they act all unconscious and start bleeding and shit.

My girlfriend finally got drunk last night & whispered "eat me" in my ears ;)


In other news I've been arrested for murder and cannibalism.

When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy?

THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!

"Oh come on, don't be that guy." - That guy.

Today I heard someone say "beer, on the rocks" and suddenly the chair attached itself to my hand and beat him to death.

Me - "I hate it when people talk to themselves."

Myself - "I know right? Fucking losers."

When I go to the theatre, i make sure that everyone notices me putting my phone on silent so that they think lots of people call me.

Scientists have come out with a shocking study that proves that when a women is driving a car, the blind spot exists anywhere & everywhere.

An octopus can organize its own arm wrestling competition and can be the only participant. It's a win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win situation.

My father hasn't said a good thing about me since 1998.
Except this one time when he said "I like the way you ruin our family's name,faggot"

Every time I take a hot water bath in summer, I hear my mother sighing and regretting my birth.

Mostly because she still gives me a bath.

Sometimes I cry even when someone cuts the cucumbers just so that onions do not feel left out or facially discriminated.

You know who's confused as fuck? Chameleons on ecstasy near a rainbow.

I eat cake like two Japanese lesbians making out.

I hear rumors of Sex and the city 3. But SJP has strongly denied it. So there!
We have heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.

Homeless people tragically die in wresting accidents because "Please don't try this at home" isn't a serious warning in their situation.