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I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.
Just read a comment on facebook that said "you look gorjus."
WHO THE FUCK WRITES LIKE THAT?
I mean this is completely outrajus.
When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy?
THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!
Some people never EVER shut the fuck up and then when I hit them with an exhaust pipe, they act all unconscious and start bleeding and shit.
My girlfriend finally got drunk last night & whispered "eat me" in my ears ;)
In other news I've been arrested for murder and cannibalism.
Today I heard someone say "beer, on the rocks" and suddenly the chair attached itself to my hand and beat him to death.
Eat, prey, love - Zombie romantic comedy.
Everyone is okay with pooping on railway tracks and just once i take a shit on my nephew's train set track and suddenly i'm the worst uncle.
"Oh come on, don't be that guy." - That guy.
Me - "I hate it when people talk to themselves."
Myself - "I know right? Fucking losers."
An octopus can organize its own arm wrestling competition and can be the only participant. It's a win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win situation.
You know who's confused as fuck? Chameleons on ecstasy near a rainbow.
Scientists have come out with a shocking study that proves that when a women is driving a car, the blind spot exists anywhere & everywhere.
When I go to the theatre, i make sure that everyone notices me putting my phone on silent so that they think lots of people call me.
You know a person is poor when he gives money by placing the bill between his thumb and index finger instead of his middle and index finger.
The smart thing to do with empty medicine bottles is to place them next to a random person who is sleeping.
Sometimes I cry even when someone cuts the cucumbers just so that onions do not feel left out or facially discriminated.
"what? you drink DRINKS?" - indian grandparents on alcohol
I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.
I'm not saying you're fat. I'm just saying that they came up with the concept of infinity while calculating your B.M.I