It's hard not to say 'balls deep' when you are at Chucky Cheese.

Life is like a case of beer. By the time you get to the end, you're like "Fuck it, whatever".

I'm just a guy, sitting in front of a computer, letting his kids become society's problem.

"Hey... they're not my kids" ~Bruce Jenner

Ladies, i can offer you something your husband can't - distance and insincerity.

My kids don't need fiber gummies. They need benadryl gummies and urinary suppressant gummies.

Next time ordering a $1 Any Size coffee from McDonald's; ask to see the different cups, visually measure, sigh & say "I just don't know".

What a day! No butter for my hot ham sandwich, 2 pencil tips broke and my wife's all girls weekend included some guy named Diego.

If it means i'll have to explain it to you, then no, i don't understand either.

I could spend 3 hours each morning walking the floor, hitting on women while drinking coffee, driving business into the ground, like a boss.

Tweeting with a warm laptop on your man parts for hours on end is one form of birth control. Make that two...

If it's true that god see's everything, i hope he skips over things 140 characters and less.

Ladies, at least 2 outfit changes per Xmas party is mandatory. Guys, better job covering your pee dribble spots.

Snorted 2 lines of Mescaline hours ago. My yogurt read me Top Ten lists as i stood in a robe writing tweets on my garage using numbers.

Just once, i would like a nice family Christmas lights drive without the kids fighting over the bong.

If i know Heidi Klum, her rebound boyfriend will be Gary Oldman, Nick Nolte or the Emperor from Star Wars.

Gonna give up our 3 yr old for lent.

I can hold off a little longer, but it's getting close to 'minivan' time :( pic.twitter.com/XoqA8OLt

So you're telling me there's no amendments for wedding vows?

Just went through an entire tank of gas waiting for an elderly lady to cross with her groceries. Later we made love.