I Want to Know Everything You Did in Private Last Summer. #GOPmovies

"Then" and "than" as two different words is confusing. Choose one, and stick with it. #BadWritingTips

Your Honors Student Will Be Fired By My Legacy Student. #Romney_Bumperstickers

You're Grounded! #RejectedFuneralHomeNames

I Don't Always Think, But When I Do, I Let Fox News Do It For Me. #ConservativeBumperStickers

Did you know Twitter costs $45 a month? Every relative who has asked if they should join thinks it does.

You Have An Extra Chromosome, Charlie Brown. #BadCharlieBrownSpecials

I'm glad these jerks from high school will never have a means of getting in touch with me again. #1990stweets

"Black licorice is spicy, bro." -Vin Diesel chewing on a lamp cord. #VinDieselSunday

Linus is a Hoarder, Charlie Brown. #BadCharlieBrownSpecials

Told the Mormons who keep showing up at my door that every time they appear, I'm making a donation to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance.

A visit to a racist relative's place isn't complete until you've locked their cable box onto the Spanish-language station.

Bone Voyage. #RejectedFuneralHomeNames

Motel 6 Feet Under. #RejectedFuneralHomeNames

The Kama Sutra: TSA Edition. #BooksIHopeDontExist

The magic users in Harry Potter certainly talk down to the muggles a lot for people without nuclear weapons.

Over the years, I’ve come to regard you as someone I’ve met. #NeutralGreetingCards

I Live In A Trailer, But Vote For Guys Living In Mansions. #ConservativeBumperStickers

Vanilla Ice, because he forgot your bread sticks. #comingbackin2011

You now own a greeting card. #NeutralGreetingCards