The problem with twitter is that I just sat in a parking lot for 25 minutes.

My timeline is 75% funny random people and 25% people I know who I can't unfollow

It's not easy to gain followers on this piece of shit.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his bday? Thanks, I'll never part with it! haha lmao


Don't get up, I can leave by myself.

(•_•)
<) )/
/ \
All the single ladies
(•_•)
\( (>
/ \
All the single ladies
(•_•)
<) )/
/ \
Oh oh ohhhh

Everyone gets all uptight about stereotyping until your ethnic group is rumored to have legendary sized dicks.

Don't judge me until you've ran a mile in my disappointment to my father.

There's too many beautiful women in the world to be tied down to just 4.

Tweet like your boss couldn't effortlessly find you with a name or email search.

Working midnights makes It feel like everyone is having pizza parties, and having sex around the clock except me.

I personally haven't felt safe in a theater since the Lincoln ordeal.

I can tell almost exactly what time it is by how many "cunts" and "arses" I see on my timeline.

"I'm too high for this shit" -Elvis' last thoughts probably

If you act like a baby I'm going to treat you like one.

And throw you in a dumpster.

My favorite drinking game is getting all my friends together and towing my car out of the family room.

The only real advice I can give if you're going to work in a hospital is that the automatic doors there do not give fucks.

St. Patrick's Day: "Fuck it, let's all get a DUI"

Not asking for world peace. I just dont want to be looked at w/ a strait face when I order 8 items off the menu & Im handed only two sauces.

As the old saying reads; One mans trash is another mans daughter.

I'm sick of people complaining about their girlfriends. Not everybody even HAS someone to go home to and beat.