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Anyone who says that they “have no regrets” obviously doesn’t know how to fucking party.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Sesame Street is really fucking boring when you already know how to spell.
It’s a 4 way stop, not a fucking stand off. I would hate to see these people make an actual hard decision.
That whole “no rest for the wicked” is bullshit. I take a lot of naps.
Someday I’m going to stay sober enough to figure out where these fucking bruises come from.
I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the fuck not at that point?
Shit. My neighbor just waved and I waved back for some reason. Now I have to move damn it.
I’ve got 99 problems, and I am the cause of 97 of them.
When one of you tweets a good funny and I tell someone about it, I say “one of my friends said” cuz I don’t want them finding me on twitter.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.
Funny how all your other worries fade away as soon as a cop gets behind you.
The mind of a woman:
I love you.
Wait, I hate you.
Awe, you're so sweet.
Fuck, you’re stupid.
Let’s have babies.
Ugh, go away.
I totally stopped believin' Journey. Your fucking move.
Leaf blowers, but for people.
If you make me laugh until my face and stomach hurts, I will keep you forever damn it.
I bet you’re one of those assholes who talks when a good song is on.
Answer me this: when is the appropriate time to ask “Can I sit on your face?”
I admit my mistakes. For instance, you were one.
Don’t be an asshole.
I'd rather be kayaking. I say fuck a lot.
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