Anyone who says that they “have no regrets” obviously doesn’t know how to fucking party.

It’s a 4 way stop, not a fucking stand off. I would hate to see these people make an actual hard decision.

Sesame Street is really fucking boring when you already know how to spell.

Someday I’m going to stay sober enough to figure out where these fucking bruises come from.

The best thing about online classes is the beer.

Shit. My neighbor just waved and I waved back for some reason. Now I have to move damn it.

That whole “no rest for the wicked” is bullshit. I take a lot of naps.

I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the fuck not at that point?

When one of you tweets a good funny and I tell someone about it, I say “one of my friends said” cuz I don’t want them finding me on twitter.

I totally stopped believin' Journey. Your fucking move.

Answer me this: when is the appropriate time to ask “Can I sit on your face?”

I’ve got 99 problems, and I am the cause of 97 of them.

If you make me laugh until my face and stomach hurts, I will keep you forever damn it.

Funny how all your other worries fade away as soon as a cop gets behind you.

I’d like to give a shout out to Apple for giving the iPhone the same battery life as a fucking peanut.

For a second there I forgot why I hate you… and then you opened your fucking mouth.

I admit my mistakes. For instance, you were one.

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.

Fuck you happy hour. I. Will. Drink. Whenever. The. Fuck. I. Want. To.

Don’t be an asshole.

The end.