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The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Sesame Street is really fucking boring when you already know how to spell.
It’s a 4 way stop, not a fucking stand off. I would hate to see these people make an actual hard decision.
That whole “no rest for the wicked” is bullshit. I take a lot of naps.
Someday I’m going to stay sober enough to figure out where these fucking bruises come from.
I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the fuck not at that point?
Shit. My neighbor just waved and I waved back for some reason. Now I have to move damn it.
I’ve got 99 problems, and I am the cause of 97 of them.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.
The mind of a woman:
I love you.
Wait, I hate you.
Awe, you're so sweet.
Fuck, you’re stupid.
Let’s have babies.
Ugh, go away.
When one of you tweets a good funny and I tell someone about it, I say “one of my friends said” cuz I don’t want them finding me on twitter.
Funny how all your other worries fade away as soon as a cop gets behind you.
I totally stopped believin' Journey. Your fucking move.
I bet you’re one of those assholes who talks when a good song is on.
If you make me laugh until my face and stomach hurts, I will keep you forever damn it.
Leaf blowers, but for people.
I admit my mistakes. For instance, you were one.
Answer me this: when is the appropriate time to ask “Can I sit on your face?”
Don’t be an asshole.
I'm probably kayaking.
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