Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Anyone who says that they “have no regrets” obviously doesn’t know how to fucking party.
It’s a 4 way stop, not a fucking stand off. I would hate to see these people make an actual hard decision.
Sesame Street is really fucking boring when you already know how to spell.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Someday I’m going to stay sober enough to figure out where these fucking bruises come from.
That whole “no rest for the wicked” is bullshit. I take a lot of naps.
Shit. My neighbor just waved and I waved back for some reason. Now I have to move damn it.
I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the fuck not at that point?
When one of you tweets a good funny and I tell someone about it, I say “one of my friends said” cuz I don’t want them finding me on twitter.
I’ve got 99 problems, and I am the cause of 97 of them.
I totally stopped believin' Journey. Your fucking move.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.
Funny how all your other worries fade away as soon as a cop gets behind you.
If you make me laugh until my face and stomach hurts, I will keep you forever damn it.
Answer me this: when is the appropriate time to ask “Can I sit on your face?”
The mind of a woman:
I love you.
Wait, I hate you.
Awe, you're so sweet.
Fuck, you’re stupid.
Let’s have babies.
Ugh, go away.
I’d like to give a shout out to Apple for giving the iPhone the same battery life as a fucking peanut.
I admit my mistakes. For instance, you were one.
Don’t be an asshole.
For a second there I forgot why I hate you… and then you opened your fucking mouth.
Don't read this shit. It's a waste of time. I did the math.