Homophobic men need to understand that at this very moment there are millions of potential gay people in their testicles.

Passed out drunk and woke up with "forehead" Sharpied on my dick.

I always either feel fat for wanting to eat what I want to eat, or sick for eating what I want to eat, or happy because I'm drunk.

If I ever break up with my girlfriend I won't need to keep a lock of her hair because enough of it is in everything I own forever.

My favorite part of doing laundry is cuddling with it afterwards.

I'm single and I still can't figure out who wears the pants in this relationship.

My computer is way too young to know this much about sex.

All our tombstones will be big iPads.

Anyone blessed with laser hair should never consider having it removed.

Anyone who says they are in touch with what they were in a prior life was reincarnated as a liar.

Native American rappers make it rain.

stabbing charges dropped when credit card was denied at stabbing emporium.

I have a sticker of a car on my rainbow.

Nothing is whiter than the scalp between a Caucasian's cornrows.

Satan used to be an angel which is more than you can say.

It's stupid that my tv remote is not also a bong.

You wouldn't make jokes about suicide if you had a friend who did really funny jokes about suicide.

Zombies are making way too many movies about people.

Death Bed, Bath and Beyond

American cheese really does taste just like our flag.