Oh dear. The eurozone's facebook page has changed its currency status from "single" to "it's complicated".

Traces of zebras found in Tesco barcodes.

Those who say "I love you" is the most beautiful three word phrase in English are overlooking the aesthetic glory of "shark devours Gove".

If the Queen ever writes an autobiography, I hope she calls it 'One on One'.

Everyone's slagging George Osborne for parking in a disabled bay but, to be fair, "having no soul" is a bit of a grey area, disability-wise.

Some say that Sepp Blatter's behaviour has crossed a line. But thanks to his refusal to allow the relevant technology, we may never know.

If the EDL really want to defend England, might I humbly suggest they start with the libraries & hospitals, rather than bullying minorities?

I just wish somebody would measure They Might Be Giants so we can remove all doubt and move on.

My laptop says I should plug in or "find an alternative power source". That's 30 or 40 years of developmental research for me, then.

Kings of Leon: On NO account throw water onto your sex. Calmly turn the heat off & cover your sex with a slightly damp cloth.

It may seem a trivial point, but at the end of every episode of Open All Hours, Ronnie Barker shut the fucking shop.

I will never tire of the beautiful contradiction that sees EDL members with their faces covered, demanding a ban on the burka.

A 'foible' is something coughed up by cats in New York.

For those who are bored of Leveson, here's that picture of a dog that looks like Clint Eastwood. pic.twitter.com/7Cjw0oUc

Unable to hold back the tears, a sobbing Lance Armstrong reveals to Oprah that he has £50 of HMV vouchers that he "might as well burn now".

Give a man a fish & you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish & he'll turn into a tedious arse who owns his own waders.

This did tickle me, I confess. pic.twitter.com/r7eejnLJBl

I would watch 'Secret Pauper', where someone pledges huge investments to corporations before revealing they don't have a pot to piss in.

If a tourist ever asks you "where's the countryside?" the correct answer is "10 Downing Street".

While we're on 'Jesus sightings', this is my all-time favourite - a dog's arse: http://t.co/9zSVs5PM