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Sometimes when I have friends over I flinch when my dog gets near me so that they know he beats me.
Call me flaccid but I can't see the point.
Most folks cherish their first kiss. Me? Quite the opposite; she grazed my canker sore and I freaked out which led to her severed tongue.
Nobody likes a broken heart; especially when it's made of chocolate and someone just accidentally sat on it.
I really can't stand when my Doc decides to diagnose me with broken legs.
Facebook is to the internet, what accidents are to the Expressway. You know it's gonna suck but you just have to look!
Tweeting from Twitter and still making it on the Leaderboard is the closest any of us will ever get to seeing a modern day miracle.
I'm all for fun and games until I realize being on all fours isn't the most masculine feature of mine.
It's always been my lifelong dream to castrate a water buffalo. And tonight, I live that dream.
Just know the soiled pamper of Beyonce's week old infant holds more promise than any shit you'll ever take in this life.
Day 9 of no fast food; I would travel back in time and give up Anne Frank for a Baconator.
Whoops, sorry. Favstar requires a small judgment on how fast a mortal may be able to read. A default judgment has been assured. Thank you.
Can someone videotape me browsing through Favstar so we can appear on America's Funniest Home Video's?
Forget knowing the number of stars each tweet gets; I'd like to see which tweet made the person click the blue 'Follow' underneath my name.
This fuckin' weed is way too potent for the cops to be crashing my tent right now.
Tweets containing a typo aren't always overlooked; just look at the stautistics.
Not a good day to shorten your tweet from I will to I'll.
All good things must come to a SEND
By now, I could imagine you've already scoured Craigslist demanding people who fuck both men and women come over.
"Occupy Favstar." - In reality; the 99%.