The best way to prepare cauliflower is by throwing it in the trash while ordering a delicious pizza.

That was really South Carolina of you, North Carolina.

Please RT if you're uglier in person.

If you've ever waited six hours for an iPhone and are now complaining about voting lines, congratulations- you're what's wrong with America.

The real shocker will be if Kim Kardashian keeps the baby longer than 72 days.

I wish Taylor Swift would break up with music. #Grammys

I will devote my entire life to Scientology if it turns out Katie Holmes is leaving Tom Cruise because he knocked up Adele.

I have no regrets. Just things I really, really wish I never did. Also, what does regret mean and can I borrow a shovel?

The world would be a better place if politicians were as intensely monitored as a bunch of dudes who ride bicycles up and down a mountain.

Rumor has it, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise just never saw eye to eye. Unless he was standing on a chair.

Don't judge others. Unless you're bored or they look weird.

On the bright side, Kristen Stewart finally destroyed her longstanding reputation as the most boring person on planet earth.

CNN is gonna be so mad three years from now when they find out we made fun of them tonight.

.@amandabynes I like this picture of you the best: #nofilter pic.twitter.com/eJnCq7Vsqq

Real comedians understand the power of a well placed moment of silence. It's the desperate amateurs who are making jokes right now. #Boston

Lindsay Lohan was found lying unconscious in a hotel room today surrounded by several dehydration spoons and an exhaustion needle.

'Never got your text' = 'You're not even worth one of my good lies'

Lindsay Lohan’s bucket list just says ‘tomorrow.’

The best part of the Olympic opening ceremony was Mohammed Ali's dead-on impression of the Queen.

I bet Al Qaeda is so hung over today.