The best way to prepare cauliflower is by throwing it in the trash while ordering a delicious pizza.

That was really South Carolina of you, North Carolina.

Please RT if you're uglier in person.

If you've ever waited six hours for an iPhone and are now complaining about voting lines, congratulations- you're what's wrong with America.

I will devote my entire life to Scientology if it turns out Katie Holmes is leaving Tom Cruise because he knocked up Adele.

The real shocker will be if Kim Kardashian keeps the baby longer than 72 days.

I wish Taylor Swift would break up with music. #Grammys

Rumor has it, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise just never saw eye to eye. Unless he was standing on a chair.

The world would be a better place if politicians were as intensely monitored as a bunch of dudes who ride bicycles up and down a mountain.

On the bright side, Kristen Stewart finally destroyed her longstanding reputation as the most boring person on planet earth.

Lindsay Lohan was found lying unconscious in a hotel room today surrounded by several dehydration spoons and an exhaustion needle.

I bet Al Qaeda is so hung over today.

Today's incredibly racist Rodney King tweets taught me one thing: we still can't just get along. :(

I have no regrets. Just things I really, really wish I never did. Also, what does regret mean and can I borrow a shovel?

A man was cured of HIV today. Stem Cells: 1 Prayer: 0.

.@amandabynes I like this picture of you the best: #nofilter pic.twitter.com/eJnCq7Vsqq

The best part of the Olympic opening ceremony was Mohammed Ali's dead-on impression of the Queen.

Relax guys, Romney will give a speech right after his concession software downloads.

.@chrisbrown Just read this: http://t.co/PvUn6cuU Wow, you really are a MONSTER.

The real shocker would've been Anderson Cooper coming out as straight.