Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BITCH NIGHT OUT!

My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect.

Of course, my answer was wrong.

My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

I'm in a good mood today. I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong.

Is getting your foot caught in your underwear after a shower and taking a header into the sink a superpower?

Cause I'm super-super.

At some point you realize that the reward for doing a good job is getting another job to do.

Did London win the Stanley cup?

The worst things in life are the best reasons for drinking.

ever get mad at your great great great grandparents for not buying a town when they cost 30 cents?

If you put your toddler on the phone with me ill teach it swear words.

'Congress' wanted to be called 'DC Comics' but the name was already taken.

Katy Perry is the voice of Smurfette in the new Smurfs movie. Could someone get my childhood a doctor? It's clearly been raped.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

I'm in so much debt that if I won the lottery I'd go from rags to name brand paper towels.

Hey! Guy with the new dually truck, 5th wheel camper and matching boat parked in the driveway of your $375,000 house....NICE payments bro!

FYI - Only I can make fun of my wife because I live with her. If you ever make fun of my wife... I'll make you live with her.

I mostly like to communicate in remorse code.

Life: We miss you, Lana.
Me: I'm happy with my imaginary friends. Fuck off.

Prescriptions that warn not to mix with alcohol just don't want you to know that the combination is the formula to become a superhero

I injured my right knee, so I've been walking with a limp all day.

Just turned around to find I have 6 hoes working for me.