Hey people learning English as a second language, stop. You make us Americans look bad.

I don't tweet rape jokes ever since I was teabagged in Halo 3

Tea is just gay coffee.

The abstinence movement has the cum of millions on their hands!

If I ever ran for president, I would leak a cock pick, its the only way I'd win.

"I wish Creed would get back together" -nobody

#PrayForBulgaria do you people even know where Bulgaria is?

I think the world's greatest irony is the sale and distribution of Che Guevara items.

If I put as much time into something else as I do into twitter, I'd be fucking awesome at something.

My advice to the world is wear a fucking condom.

According to most religions, Freddie Mercury is in hell, and that's reason enough not to believe.

I would like to apologize to black people, there was a big spider in the shower and as I killed it I may have yelled "die you nigger" sorry.

By 2014 cheerleaders will progress all the way to just stripping. I'm calling it.

Whenever I see a fat girl smoking a cigarette, we make awkward eye contact and wonder why she's still fat.

Did you guys know that dolphins have sex for pleasure and are all going to hell?

For every retweet this gets I will put a skittle in my urethra.

When I try singing along to death metal, I just whisper loudly.

Apparently telling people that you have over 500 Twitter followers doesn't get you special treatment. Stupid fucking McDonald's workers.

I think that Mitch Hedberg would be the greatest Tweeter. RIP Mitch

Guys who talk about fucking girls all the time probably don't.