Some people like to cuddle after they orgasm. Others fall right asleep. Me? I click "delete browser history" and throw away the kleenex.

I'm so politically correct it's retarded.

I never lose my temper. It's always right here with me, waiting to be unleashed.

Ejaculate? I'm more likely to ejacuearly.

My name's Nick but my friends don't call me.

My friends on twitter are so much cooler than the friends I don't have in real life.

My favorite sexual position is rejection.

Twitter: where you have to be depressed enough to make self-deprecating jokes, but not depressed enough to make everyone uncomfortable.

Gay men are always getting their packages lost in the male.

Getting a girl to hook up with me is like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle: easy if I have a knife.

Most people are prime examples of why I don't like people.

I need a sexy, fiery little big-breasted Latina babe......to translate something for me.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'll give you at least one more chance because I lack the self respect to stand up for myself.

I'm not here for drama, guys, just to entertain you. If you don't like my tweets, simply DON'T UNFOLLOW PLEASE I SWEAR I'LL TRY HARDER!!!

It's true, fat girls need lovin' too. But that's what fat guys are for.

Stand up for what you believe in! Unless what you believe in is chairs. Then you should have a seat.

I love it when women do that cute little thing where they don't throw their drinks in my face when I try to talk to them.

I have exactly one creative bone in my body.

Women who don't say "you're gross" and walk away when I try to talk to them are totally my type.

Casually tell your guests "my grandma died in that chair."