Noooo I said I work for Al Kayda that's my boss's name hahahaha what a silly misunderstanding please stop electrocuting me.

RT if you're DMing with my girlfriend right now.

Shhh. I know. I'm thinking of you too.

I wouldn't call what I do at the retirement home "volunteering." I need the company even more than they do.

Gordon Ramsay is swooping in on my girl.

Twitter is so stupid.

Girls please just let me zip your dresses up.

Sext: where'd you go?

Followers: 2,307
Average stars per tweet: 5
Depression: severe

I'm a casual drinker, which means that I look pretty chilled out when I'm drinking 8-10 beers every night.

Rihanna's favorite Disney movie is Cinderella, ella, ella, ayy, ayy, ayy...

Masturbation reminds me of dying because I do it alone.

Most people are prime examples of why I don't like people.

Stand up for what you believe in! Unless what you believe in is chairs. Then you should have a seat.

I'm so politically correct it's retarded.

Paper covers rock, rock crushes scissors, and my father never appreciated my uniqueness.

Living alone sucks because you have no one to show your impressively large shits to.

Some people like to cuddle after they orgasm. Others fall right asleep. Me? I click "delete browser history" and throw away the kleenex.

A YouTube slideshow of pictures of Hermione Granger set to The Police's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'll give you at least one more chance because I lack the self respect to stand up for myself.