I no longer rest my feet on car dashboards. I can't think of anything worse than an airbag exploding into my crotch.

I was uncool before it was cool to be uncool.

Sorry, I’ve already got plans – Translation: I’d rather do nothing than something with you.

Casting call: open roles are for flat chested women. It's a horror film.

If you're not completely fucked in the head:


Why are you reading this?

It's amazing how quick all those unnecessary retweets disappear from my timeline by just unfollowing one person.

If I'm ever swimming in an outback creek and get attacked by a Ninja Platypus I'm gonna use my crocodile death roll on it. That's how I roll

oprah means hungry in swahili.

If Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga were drowning, who would be saved? - the world.

Girls like men to be sensitive, like a pussy.

People are judging you already. Go ahead and roll around in the grass like an animal. Fuck it!

You know what's gangster? Ordering chocolate chip pancakes without chocolate chips. Thug life baby!

I hate the sound of the dog licking herself. It makes me so jealous.

Annnndddddd..... SLEEP!

Hey, guys that say "teehee", your vaginas are showing.

Deleting tweets the morning after a night of drinking is the new walk of shame.

RT if you fart.

I. Have. No. Idea. What. I'm. Doing.

Shhhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone.

"Nobody loves you when you're down and out."

The spaces between.
Just as important.