To Michelle Bachmann: Anyone who signs a pledge talking about the good parts of slavery should try it on for size and become a slave.

Karl Rove has redistributed more money from billionaires than Barack Obama ever will.

First Mitt, now the Twinkie. Farewell, spongy, bland, artificial remnants of another era.

The Pope is resigning. Probably wants to spend more time with his wife and family.

CNN: "Apple visionary Steve Jobs dies". Fox News: "America loses Jobs under Obama"

Frank Ocean hit Chris Brown over a parking spot. Usually when 2 black guys fight over something this worthless it's a Kardashian.#TheBurn

'@cnn "President Obama voted today in Chicago." @foxnews: "Undocumented Kenyan Immigrant commits voter fraud in Corrupt Machine City"

#TheBurn Stevie Wonder says he wants to buy a gun. I'm not worried getting shot by him. Stevie hasn't had a hit since 1983.

Hugh Hefner isn't really dead. Hef just lay down for a nap and they started burying him again. Happens all the time. Nothing to see here.

Yoko just broke up Nirvana.

101 Cremations #sadsequels

I'm betting the wildfire in Arizona snuck in from Mexico and is taking jobs from American wildfires.

Katie Holmes left Tom Cruise when she realized that she didn't need him to pay for health-care. #ObamaDestroysMarriage

You're dating a Ludwig drum kit #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend

If HBO canceled a show every time a horse was endangered, Sex and the City would have lasted half a season.

A lone black guy surrounded by hundreds of angry white men. #SOTU or #Dorner ?

At Romney headquarters, Mitt's sons Squint, Rag, Flex, Mix and Tox have ripped off their flesh-masks and are attacking the crowed.

Michelle Bachmann decries U.S. role in Libya as interventionist. Marcus Bachmann decries Gaddafi's caftans as "Much too much, girlfriend."

Newt to name two possible running mates later today. He should pick both and have an Open Presidency.

Watching #TheBurn with @realjeffreyrosss. The camera adds 10 pounds, so Ralphie May has 30 cameras on him.