#ThingsNotToSayOnTheFirstDate oh, don't mind that. It's always erect.

David #Bowie is trending and not Bieber. Today is a good day.

If Kirk, Picard, Janeway, Dr Who, Adama, Mal, Xena, and the other guy from Wham! all teamed up they still could never defeat @darthvader

Can a fetus be taken away by child protective services? #MamaSnooks

oooh they're going to remake American Psycho. Yet another movie that was already perfect that Hollywood is going to tarnish.

#FreeHaircuts is racist against bald people!

#LilWayneOnceSaid nothing you idiots. Lil Wayne is dead, he's locked in my basement.

Have a Safe & Happy 4th of July, except you @justinbieber. May every water bottle hit you with delight.

#TodayisNationalHugYourCatDay Tomorrow is apply antiseptic to your scratch wounds day.

#IdLike2WakeUpAs you and take a shower and play with your special parts.

#BadCharlieBrownSpecials That's Not Gangnam Style, It's An Epileptic Seizure, Charlie Brown

You shouldn't #ShareEverything on the internet.

"Robert Pattinson is Our Ray of Sunshine" is an ironic thing to say about a vampire.

@rihanna Satan is currently on Earth masquerading as a fellow called "Chris Brown." Be wary!

General Petreus, you sir are an amateur. I work with General Calrissian, so I know.

If she points at your crotch and says "What's that?" #shestooyoungforyoubro

#ObamaLimoNames the 'I don't follow politics but I'm going to make some snarky uninformed comment about it' -mobile

#TextsThatGetNoReply dog kicked shotgun. it fired & hit me in chest while i was welding. house now on fire. kids trapped inside. help.

#BlackBabyNames "Hey Twitter, please, please, please keep racism alive so I'm still relevant in the 21st century!!!!" - Jesse Jackson

#driverspledge I promise to stop spraying Pledge into other driver's eyes as I pass them.