I had to pick up my dog's poop in front of two cool youths with skateboards so I'm hiding forever.

When my dad was my age, he had already met my mother and I just googled Anna Kendrick for the third time today.

Who knows what ruined your bat mitzvah but could imagine how much worse it could have been if I didn't start freestyle rapping?

I hope when my life flashes before my eyes it's a .gif

Most of my interactions with girls look like I'm trying to get spiderwebs off my body.

I'm not successful enough to wear sunglasses.

I feel like Jodi Arias is going through enough already trying to grow out her bangs and now this.

Eating yogurt cause I'm a mom.

Holding a mirror up to society to help them take a selfie.

Maybe you guys should try and get more famous so I have something to show to my parents.

I pay my bills as if I'm checking recently expired milk.

"We're so good at fixin' stuff! Huh, guys?! Did anyone watch The Voice last night?" http://t.co/BOf5zaXh

Pretty shitty that movers relocating hipster couples aren't aware that the boxes labeled "fragile" contain Tom's Shoes, veganism, & sad :/

30 years from now, dads will be saying "Please, call me Braxton. Mr Jones was my fathers name."

If you read Animal Farm backwards, it's about animals shutting up and doing their fucking job.

I always end up holding a banana peel longer than necessary.

Every summer I keep thinking I will work out and get the body I had in high school but I’ve only been fooling myself. It’s NEXT summer.

congrats on your 100th problem jay-z!

Hurricane survival tip: Spin the opposite way to the Hurricane at the same speed, while wearing rollerblades and sequins (sequins optional).

I'm that kind of guy who gets shoved into the fruit stand during a chase scene.