If the world ends, it will mercifully end all the bullshit predicting of it.

Caller: "..I do eat Portobello Mushroom burgers, but something's missing." Me: "It's the fucking beef, you effeminate moron."

"Firefighters plan to let this morning’s tire fire in Independence burn itself out." - Well, there's an apt description of my life plan.

There is a lot of good in this world. Look closely. If you find some, study its habits. Then stalk and kill it.

If you don't like it when I use four-letter words, here's a two-, three-, and five-letter word for ya: Eat my balls.

I have already given out my trophy. Please stop being funny.

I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors

I don't recall anyone telling me specifically to go fuck myself, but all available evidence points to the fact that I went ahead and did so.

Yes. I have bedbugs. But much more importantly, I have alcoholic bedbugs.

Has anybody said that midget jokes are a little short on funny?

I'll be the elephant, you be the living room.

My ex-wife is the Westboro Baptist Church of people.

To all the compassionate people with the rainbow twibbons who are still ripping on hicks, hobos, fatties and blacks: Nicely done. Good. Yep.

Dear Mr. Seger, "Moving 8 miles a minute" is nearly 500 miles per hour. ...I doubt you'd notice any wind at that speed to seek shelter from.

Booze used to make me late for work. Now it's just Twitter's fault. Well played, life in decline. ....Well played, indeed.

As a small child, I read the dictionary. Everybody laughed. Nobody recognized my genius. That sort of trend continues to this very minute.

...I swear Twitter. Every time I see "Try favoriting your Tweet again in a minute" I will stab a whole children's book full of baby ducks.

There was a time when I could actually 'grin and bear it'. These days, it's something like 'grit your teeth and imagine an elevator fire.'

They say that 'the more time and effort you put into something, the more you'll appreciate it'. And then masturbating contradicts the fools.

In a spam attack, pornography and violent videos have hit some people's Facebook newsfeeds. The hacking event was "Liked" by 3,872 people.