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I want an app that clears my browser history and replaces it with Google searches for "how to buy the right jewelry for her" and "puppies"
Dear ladies who wear yoga pants in public: Thank you, from the bottom of my lotion bottle, thank you.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.............. It's a really obscure number you probably have never heard of.
If an elderly person is giving you trouble, just throw down some butterscotch hard candy and back away slowly.
Last night I let my wife get on top......I kinda fucked up.
It should be noted that Honor, Charity, Destiny, and Chastity, are things I don't care about until I am in a strip club.
I like my pizza like I like my cutlass: supreme.
Dung beetles need to wipe that shit eating grin off their faces.
I think this goes without saying but I don't want to literally "fuck the shit" out of anyone.
Being rich and having a big dick means never having to say you're sorry. I would like to apologize for not being rich.
Sex is like pizza, you can have it delivered to your house but it's much better when you get it from the waitress at an Italian restaurant.
Hipsters are just like you & me, they put their pants on one leg at a time. Difference is once their pants are on they look like douchebags.
Don't have kids, want to know what it feels like? Imagine that you are comfortable and relaxed....now plan on never feeling like that again.
Everytime I see a hot girl wearing a sexy summer outfit it takes all of my power to not make a David Lee Roth noise.
My youngest was jumping up and down on my laptop and it was that moment that I realized why spiders eat their young.
Top 5 reasons I thought rapture was real: 1: 2: 3: 4: 5:
Another Saab story about how bad the auto industry is doing.
Wife: "how much have you had to drink?"
Me: "enough to prompt you to ask that question."
I put the Mortal Combat "Finish Him" sound on my phone and when I was getting a bj I played it. Then I had to finish him myself : (
If you don't wonder if Lake Titicaca was the site where the first Cleveland Steamer happened......then you are not me.