If by “whores” you mean sexy, witty women who sometimes tweet about sex, but would never fuck you... Then yes thanks for the compliment.

When a guy says “I love funny girls”… What he means is a funny girl with nice tits. And they have to be pretty. And they can’t be fat.

The most addictive drug is a person. The detox takes the longest. And sometimes the withdrawals never stop.

If you can’t control your woman, you found a good one.

I’ll start following the rules the day they make one I fucking like.

Childhood is over when you realize your parents are not always right. Adulthood starts when you realize neither are you.

Ladies, stick a tampon behind your ear and when someone tells you it’s there, say “Oh shit, where’s my pen?”

The zipper to my pants is between my ears.

Time wrinkles your body. Hate wrinkles your soul.

Believe me. Even if I could tone it down, I wouldn’t.

I don't have crushes. I have a to do list.

Whenever I think I’ve heard it all, some funny new asshole is retweeted into my world.

I’ll never understand why some women play dumb to attract men. Why the fuck would you want a man that is attracted to stupid women?

I always wanted to be one of those tiny little size 0 girls. Then I realized I’m gorgeous and society’s definition of beauty is fucked.

"Fuck you." - Sober me.
"Fuck me." - Drunk me.
"Fuck everything." Hungover me.

How many followers you have means nothing. Who is listening to you means everything.

I like to mix in deep meaningful tweets with naughty ones because I’ve got range. And I drink.

The diamond thing is bullshit. Orgasms. Orgasms are a girl’s best friend.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

If the sheets are still on the bed when it’s over, you’re fucking doing it wrong.