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My 7 y/o wants a dirt bike for Christmas?!? Shit, he can't even drive his rolling backpack without injuring himself or others.
Man in line: Wow, you smell nice. What perfume are you wearing?
Me: Thank u! It's called, Resentment. I'm married.
Premarital sex is the best sex you will ever have, kids.
As a child, I used to love looking out the window of a car, mainly because my mom was always giving my dad road head.
The boys questioned the string between my legs as I got dressed today. Told them all women have it & we explode when it's pulled.
I wish I would've known being married and having children is the modern day version of a chastity belt and slavery.
On all fours, looking for a binky.
Just like a gansta.
If I knew being a parent meant 83% of my time would be spent bent over picking up their debris, I'd never of bent over in the first place.
Gated Trailer Parks.
And just like that, your mind is blown.
Tampon's are magical 'Im Not Pregnant Piñata's', I get excited and giggle every time I pull the string.
I love the way they cleverly disguise Nancy Grace's bark collar as jewelry.
I wonder if men ever realize that when they talk to each other on the phone, both of them have their hands on their nuts.
I'd rather be pissed on right now, than the level of pissed off I am! At least a Golden Shower is warm and wet.
Toeing the line. Will he be upset that I'm wasted or happy I am trying to give him a blow job?
Being drunk is hard work.
For some reason I have the ability to engage in an irrational debate with a toddler and end up being the one stomping out of the room.
Wanna know what makes me really sad?
Realizing that these super cute, comfy and soft bunny slippers, aren't made from actual bunnies. :(
My reality is suffocating me.
Well, that and the plastic bag currently wrapped around my head.
Why does it take my son at least 5 minutes to "explain" a 30 second commercial?
Wow! I'm so close to having my very first 50 star tweet! Only 48 more to go!
Kids are awesome. Mine just distracted Target employees while I switched all of the bottles of hair dye into different boxes. Surprise!