I have an irate customer screaming in my face right now, the fact that I'm tweeting about it seems to have pissed her off even more.

I don't care what anyone says, sarcasm is foreplay. 

It amazes me how often some of you can tweet in a day, don't you have jobs?

kids?

A parole officer?

I used to be scared of clowns, but now I'm just scared of people who smile while they exercise. 

I don't do a lot of good deeds, but when I walk past a well, I always stop and make sure there's not a kid stuck down there.

It really sucks that no matter how rich you get, you still can't have a Wookie as a pet.

I'm afraid of the 0.1 percent of germs disinfectant won't kill.

My parents asked me to bring ice to their party on the weekend, I didn't know they were into that but whatever, I know some people.

I never get tired of old fat ladies telling me they used to look just like me.

It's not that I think all women over 6 foot are transvestites, but its polite to ask just in case.

I'm a little freaked out by the Facebook apocalypse that's scheduled for November 5. What if they all come here and start liking stuff

In Australia, you can get away with just about anything by pretending that you're drunk.

I always follow bots back because they're not as needy as regular people. 

I once tweeted about Lady Gaga looking like a man. It turns out so did 10,356 other people, just have to work out who I stole it from now

When I was a little girl I thought a bearded lady was a mythical creature only found at the circus, now I get to work with 3 of them.

I was sure it was Rihanna who sang "Hit me baby, One more time"

It seems like the only word that all tweeters can spell correctly is masturbation.

There is now a Twitter Relocation Program for those who find Twitter emotionally confronting, they have a farm there and everything.

I can totally understand ex smokers hating it when people smoke around them, I'm just like that with cocaine.

I hardly ever look in the mirror and say "yeah I'd hit that"' so I'm pretty sure I'm not gay.