I think this sister wives thing could be a pretty sweet deal, but I'd have to be the favorite.

You had me at "no clunky dongles required" ...Mr. Android Tablet. Sexy!

Whether you see the glass as half full, or half empty, I am simply thirsty.

Wish someone young and talentless would make a song about Friday.

We wouldn't have so many scary movies if white people didn't love exploring the fucking woods at night.

I'm certain if I stay at this job I'll be forced into an early menopause.

When considering a Star Wars costume, remember that it’s easier to hide an erection dressed as a Jedi Knight than it is as slave girl Leia.

I've seen way too many SAW movies to ever watch a woman use an eyelash curler.

It's so cute how my penis points at what it wants.

You know you have a Twitter addiction when you buy stars instead of condoms before sex.

I Know What You Did Last Summer............. stayed on twitter the whole time.

When you've been married as long as I have you understand why Ken and Barbie are sold separately.

My spirit animal is a flying pig that I killed for bacon after I got my superpower. It turned out to be a dead hooker. Well played, meth..

Sidewalk chalk is a graffiti gateway drug.

When women ask me how I stay skinny it's just easier to answer I don't eat as much as you.

I wish more people would use the term "filthy whore" like they mean it.

I bet my English teacher's would be so proud of how well I can converse in "talking nasty and dirty"

Girls who say they want a man with honesty & a sense of humour don’t appreciate either when asking the question "does my butt look big?"

The space between how much men want to talk about their cocks and how much I don't want to is bigger than 140 characters, so I don't DM.

For some fucking reason, the only person who does anything at all for me in my life, is the one person I sometimes take for granted.