Teaching my little girl to call her hoo-ha a penis. The first time she makes out with a boy& asks him to "touch her penis" is sure to end it

Don't believe everything you think.

My definition of twitter : "Everyone get on the bus!"*locks seat belt "You guys ready?"(bus has no motor,everyone makes motor noises)

Cop : "How high ARE you? " me : "No officer, its hi, how are YOU? "

What I want is a woman who loves me for my money, but is really really bad at math.

Why is it that intelligent people are so full of doubt, while ignorant people are so full of confidence?

I am stoned like a biblical whore...

Don't argue with a dumbass. People watching may not be able to tell you apart.

Your not going to believe this,but a dead comedian stole your tweet about ten years ago..

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds..People really move off of the sidewalk faster now...

This gun is like a magic wand or something ..I wave it around & get all kinds of free shit..from EVERYBODY!

How do you get to 500 without tits? One tweet at a time.

Brunettes make better psychos

R.I.P. my paycheck. You will be missed.

Wife:I hate when the shower curtain touches me.Me:Aim the water at it a little.Her:I hate the noise.Me:Which do you hate more?Her:You..

Fact: Canadian Geese stop shitting when they cross back into Canada. That's why Canada is beautiful.

If you think your funny but the wife doesn't, welcome to twitter ...if you think your funny & your wife agrees,
ever hear of Facebook?

Not gonna waste a tweet this early..no ones up to properly judge me..

How many sacks of concrete to sink a body?

Questions to ask at Lowes when looking at paint swaths with the wife..

My favorite pastime, is making you question your existence.