I hate being a 20-something. When my friends tell me their pregnant I'm not sure if i should be all "congrats!" or "do you need a ride?"

I'm the kind of girl that doesn't appreciate being told how to do my job unless I'm naked.

Its not called Kitty litter anymore. Its name is "poo sand."

Men couldn't be trusted with multiple orgasms, I've seen the mess they make with just one.

You're telling me that you had a horrible attitude towards your barista and your coffee tasted like shit? Huh. Weird.

I don't always correct your spelling, but when I do, I Google it first to make sure I don't make an ass out of myself.

I'm sorry dude but no matter how much you try to thug up the place, you can not be gangsta while you work at Subway.

I'm sorry that you might have had a bad day but please hurry up and learn to never anger the people who make your food/drink.

When youre at work and you're all 'Im gonna go home and do ALL the things!' and then you hit the couch and youre all 'HA I aint doin shit.'

No one ever thinks that maybe the Barista had a long weekend and doesn't really want to work on Mondays either. #getyourowndamncoffeebitch

Dude. Ramen sandwiches. Its gonna happen. And its gonna be amazing.

Where the hell did Vince Vaughn go?! Guy was in evertything and then he breaks up with aniston and so he disappears? What a pussy.

Note to self: tweet more about sex, food and being lazy. Nobody likes your tweets about things that interest you in your boring ass life.

Dear ladies with small to medium breasts that don't have to wear a bra when its 100 outside: fuck you and your tiny titties.

The new spray in the bathroom smells like oranges and lemons so now the bathroom smells like orangelemonpoo. I shall call it "shitrus."

Your God-fearing Facebook updates may help you now, but they do not cause me to forget the whore you were in high school.

You know, I should really get to stocking and cleaning the shop for tomorrow. LOL whatever. Star. Star. RT. Reply. Star.

Stupid customers. Taking me away from mah twitter. How rude and inconsiderate.

I dont always tweet something funny. But when I do, I make sure to steal it from you and call it mine. - fuckers.

What do we say to selfish bitches? "Not today."