Does my mouth make your wiener look small?

When people ask me what breed my dog is during our morning stroll, I respond with "I dunno, what ethnicity is your baby?"

my face is my birth control

Finding out your battery is low is like finding out you have 15 mins to do whatever you want till your life mysteriously disappears

From now on I'm going to put lipstick on my labia lips and dab a napkin on it and hand them out like flyers at a bar.

I love how at weddings after the man says "I Do" you can actually hear the steel door on the brides vagina shut and lock 7 deadbolts

People who smoke weed want you to know they smoke weed

Does anyone else get a little nervous about a squeaky ceiling fan, thinking it may somehow detach itself and chop your feet off?

Twitter should have judges. When someone tries to sign up, they need to be funny or else they get redirected to Facebook.com

Someone pick my butthole for me please. I just painted my nails.

lets horizontally hug it out

Before you move in with your partner, they must poop around you. I found out some guy didn't like me having the door open, not meant to be.

Remember that time when you had to ice your vagina from all the sex you were having? Yea, me neither.

Men are becoming smarter these days. After giving out a number, they immediately call it in front of you to make sure its real. FUCK!

Women have a belly button for an aiming target or bullseye.

Vagisils ad about 'u know that itch u can't scratch?' Assumes I'm not gonna reach my hand down my pants and scratch my vagina. Guess again!

Ppl who put 5000 piece puzzles together...are assholes

I like when people tell me what to do, so i can NOT do it and crush their dreams of pretending to be the boss of me

Therapists must be really pissed that Twitter is where all the problems go.

I keep getting eHarmony spam e-mails. Mom?!