@normmacdonald "This is the greatest thing since bread." -Guy pitching sliced bread.

The racism is coming from INSIDE the hashtag.

A Hard Attack is a pretty good nickname for a boner.

Am about to slip into something more comfortable (a coma).

Shout out to Toys R Us for being a corporation whose name is an existential mindfuck.

My favorite line of the day: "I feel like I want to kiss you, but I also feel like these feelings are coming from Satan."

Sext: I am music playing at Starbucks. U think I'm not exciting but am familiar & could be worse. U settle for me and we have 3 kids.

Ultimate Fighting is a pretty extreme reaction to going bald.

It's kind of cool that Wes Anderson managed to shoot an entire movie in instagram.

Shout out to all the pretty ladies who can't sleep cuz their synapses are firing all crazy. Love you.

Guy at the coffee shop looking around to see if people are noticing that he's a solid 700 pages through Infinite Jest.

Life is what happens when you are busy misattributing quotes to John Lennon.

LOL if you invoke the authority of "being a psychology major" in any conversation ever.

First rule of Far Right Club is: You do not talk about White Club.

Hey Christians, if evolution isn't real then why is the human hand in the exact shape of a turkey?

#ThatDepressingMoment when you're born, grow up, go to college, get married, have kids, send them off to college, retire, and die.

Did you know that if the Groundhog sees his Shaolin that Da Motherfuckin Ruckus will last for another six weeks?

The moment of reckoning for the loose lipped bastard who glibly promised to smell you later.

Shout out to the Hamburglar for knowing exactly what he wants.

Hey Mitt Romney, if global warming isn't real then why do you look so hot in those mom jeans?