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The first rule of Breakfast Club is: Don't you forget about me. Don't, Don't, Don't, Don't
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I'm going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*Nickelback starts playing on loud speaker at Home Depot* Me to Home Depot employee: "Is there gas in this chainsaw"?
As much as America hates some of the shit the Middle East does, cutting off someone's dick b/c they raped someone is actually brilliant.
Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.
YOU hit rock bottom? My mom just un-friended me on Pinterest.
The fact that Evelyn Lozada was able to run away on foot from Chad Johnson is more than enough reason for the Dolphins to cut him.
Looks like my neighbors are out of beer, so I'm done drinking for the night.
I'll run a marathon as long as someone is chasing me with a weapon.
So what if I fantasize about Nell Carter. Gimmie a break.
This Starbucks dude with a unibrow just got done telling me that he has many connections. If he only knew the irony in that statement.
While the wife is out watching the new Twilight movie tonight, I'll be at home watching "Breaking Dawn" on Adult on Demand.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel's foot.
Taking a Twitter break for a while. I'll see ya again once my phone restarts.
Me: I'm turning in my resignation today.
Boss: Very well then.
Me: April Fools! Gotcha good!
Boss: We've already replaced you.
Do you remember where you were you when you realized the lead singer of Rascal Flatts wasn't a butch woman?
I thought Walmart employees were striking today? I was looking forward to calling it AWOL-mart all day.
I'm hoping if anything can find Casey Anthony, it's falling satellite debris.
Son: Dad, u know wrestling isn't real, right?
Me: Neither is Santa.
Son: Wha? *tears up & runs off*
Me: *sips beer* enjoyed our talk son
Graphic Designer & graphic contributor to http://stateofthetexans.com. Fan of sports, sarcasm & offensive humor.