Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I'm going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

The first rule of Breakfast Club is: Don't you forget about me. Don't, Don't, Don't, Don't

*Nickelback starts playing on loud speaker at Home Depot* Me to Home Depot employee: "Is there gas in this chainsaw"?

The fact that Evelyn Lozada was able to run away on foot from Chad Johnson is more than enough reason for the Dolphins to cut him.

As much as America hates some of the shit the Middle East does, cutting off someone's dick b/c they raped someone is actually brilliant.

Looks like my neighbors are out of beer, so I'm done drinking for the night.

Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.

I'll run a marathon as long as someone is chasing me with a weapon.

So what if I fantasize about Nell Carter. Gimmie a break.

YOU hit rock bottom? My mom just un-friended me on Pinterest.

While the wife is out watching the new Twilight movie tonight, I'll be at home watching "Breaking Dawn" on Adult on Demand.

This Starbucks dude with a unibrow just got done telling me that he has many connections. If he only knew the irony in that statement.

I thought Walmart employees were striking today? I was looking forward to calling it AWOL-mart all day.

I'm hoping if anything can find Casey Anthony, it's falling satellite debris.

Do you remember where you were you when you realized the lead singer of Rascal Flatts wasn't a butch woman?

Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel's foot.

I won't spoil anything from #TheWalkingDead, but I will suggest the Governor sleep with one eye open tonight.

Mitt Romney demands recount after finding out replacement referees were the ones counting the votes.

Taking a Twitter break for a while. I'll see ya again once my phone restarts.

Please people. Let's refrain from the "chink in the armor" jokes. Jeremy Lin will come in here and wok the wok, and talk the talk.