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The first rule of Breakfast Club is: Don't you forget about me. Don't, Don't, Don't, Don't
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I'm going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
As much as America hates some of the shit the Middle East does, cutting off someone's dick b/c they raped someone is actually brilliant.
YOU hit rock bottom? My mom just un-friended me on Pinterest.
*Nickelback starts playing on loud speaker at Home Depot* Me to Home Depot employee: "Is there gas in this chainsaw"?
Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.
Looks like my neighbors are out of beer, so I'm done drinking for the night.
The fact that Evelyn Lozada was able to run away on foot from Chad Johnson is more than enough reason for the Dolphins to cut him.
I'll run a marathon as long as someone is chasing me with a weapon.
So what if I fantasize about Nell Carter. Gimmie a break.
This Starbucks dude with a unibrow just got done telling me that he has many connections. If he only knew the irony in that statement.
Taking a Twitter break for a while. I'll see ya again once my phone restarts.
Me: I'm turning in my resignation today.
Boss: Very well then.
Me: April Fools! Gotcha good!
Boss: We've already replaced you.
While the wife is out watching the new Twilight movie tonight, I'll be at home watching "Breaking Dawn" on Adult on Demand.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel's foot.
Son: Dad, u know wrestling isn't real, right?
Me: Neither is Santa.
Son: Wha? *tears up & runs off*
Me: *sips beer* enjoyed our talk son
Do you remember where you were you when you realized the lead singer of Rascal Flatts wasn't a butch woman?
I thought Walmart employees were striking today? I was looking forward to calling it AWOL-mart all day.
Also known by my stripper name, Tragic Mike.
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