I can't wait to pin your arms above your head, put my mouth close to yours, run my hands down your body, steal your wallet, and run away.

Me reading facebook statuses:

Headed out of towNEXT

Me and my boyfNEXT

I'm so sad my dogNEXT

Sooo drunf rigNEXT

You have logged off.

My girlfriend told me she puts bacon on her nachos and now I'm headed to the jewelry store.

It amazes me that no matter what I'm trying to plug in, I *always* have it turned the wrong way the first time.

Aaaah ear orgasms... thank you Q-tip (not the rapper...)

Just because I have a raging boner doesn't mean I think you're hot. Neither does taking off my pants. Or your bra.

I'd imagine the black sheep of the family is probably also the most well hung.

Whenever someone quits following you, it's kinda nice to not have to ask "Was it something I said?"

Oh nothing. Just judging people by their phones when they take pictures of themself in the mirror.

I'm laying on my back in the middle of the living room with my arms and legs in the air. It's not near as comfortable as my cats say it is.

I'm such a people pleaser.. that's probably why my knees always hurt so bad.

Fact: People in prison get laid more than I do.

Uh.. look facebook. Ugh.. man this is awkward.

Ok twitter wants to work things out so.. I'm going back. I'll... call you. Ok? Sorry.

Sometimes I'm sure I get stars because I actually had a tweet with no typos. People are like "FINALLY! *star*"

I really feel like yoga pants should only be reserved for people *successfully* doing yoga.

Twitter should require your avi to clearly show if you're a man or a woman, as it affects my flirting.

I'm letting my man boobs go in case I ever go to prison. Just want to give Bubba more options of things to fuck.

I was on the verge of checking facebook to see what people I actually know are up to but I'm going to take a nap instead. Same thing right?

Everyone has that douche bag neighbor that they hate seeing. I'm pretty sure I'm that neighbor.

My mom always said: If you don't have something funny to say, don't say anything at all.

Or something... No one ever listened to her.