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  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

    • 1,189
    • FAVS
    Two_ProngedAskMikeHopkinsKylemartinsugar_ronarchzachf41BrianSaetreHashtagVogelmonstabrat________
    • 3,900
    • RETWEETS
    Kylemartinsugar_ronarchHashtagVogelBrianSaetre666emsydjamesterryROSIEthe16thJeff_Selph
    allyhoohoosvitaminpCVTBabyHey_Yo_Mikey______OhNoSheTwitnt
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    It's cute how beer advertisers think I give a shit about the "crisp, refreshing taste". Guys, I just want the screaming in my head to stop.

    • 336
    • FAVS
    monstabrat________NeonWhiskyTomFuck4JiminyKicksItskullpuppy11chigbyICagbanusigmossii
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    MiytacularSibsMacdsnatchaweavelaisasaloveBostonBrahminCVTBabyLS_Braddocksillylilseags
    CVTBabysavvystrider
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Sometimes I'll have sex with my girlfriend just so I can last longer when I watch porn later.

    • 378
    • FAVS
    CelebrityChezJagerMouthdammit_emmamonstabrat________NeonWhiskyJiminyKicksItbrownpoopypants__CVTBaby
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    CVTBabybrownpoopypants__toddintime________kokaienleft_flankJagerMouthBetter_CleverItsNotDavey______
    CVTBabyrydontcare________JordyHamrick______
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    I wonder if crocodiles wear polo shirts with rapists stitched on them.

    • 327
    • FAVS
    BrianSaetremonstabrat________JiminyKicksItPrudest_Nudist____j_luce3gun5hy3CVTBabySSDated
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    snatchaweaveBrianSaetrej_luce3jaysleafspatsCVTBabyPirate_nurse______nazmrazkstofosho
    HairyJew4LifeTheUnseenMe______Spotswoj__________SeanBlazedrobfee
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Hey, the army. Camouflage your helicopters blue, not green. You're fucking welcome.

    • 284
    • FAVS
    agentdunne1970jehodemonstabrat________NeonWhiskyJBrohan808TomFuck4DinakhTbJiminyKicksIt
    • 120
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHjverwey18Redden420MunyuPeterjehodePeterClayton6surajwadhwaLinaJaber
    AndrewR31
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    I hate it when you stand up too quickly and then the rest of your life plays out with a grim inevitability.

    • 226
    • FAVS
    dita_von_tweetsKylemartinsugarmonstabrat________NeonWhiskyMiltonBoonJiminyKicksItsuperduperkewlken_ssekimpi
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    CVTBabyLinaJaberSSDatedDuvalocaustICanStillDream____NotKarmaNarpldrhoneybadgerMel
    OneLinersPlus__
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Checking Facebook is like checking your underwear after a fart - there's usually nothing new, and if there is, it's just shit.

    • 247
    • FAVS
    RobPeonimonstabrat________JiminyKicksItChristianSoyYoTheD_BagJarBashfullsmilekanekos69left_flank
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    karisue17bashl3ss_______smar5544KierschanSlappyMcNutsack__TGent33Grind_n_Rollmeat_tornado_
    JasonLongoreesespiece_
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    If I pour superglue into a non-stick frying pan, somebody is going to be wrong, right?

    • 244
    • FAVS
    FuManDewCbrumski__________monstabrat________TomFuck4JiminyKicksItTheMedia411TheD_BagJarBashfullsmile
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHMariusStefi247Karley_HortonCoolStoryMattvanderd00shamaly7291DoneEffedUpKoo_The_Boy
    CVTBabybdbdleeroybrown
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    I guess explosions at prosthetic limb factories always look a lot worse than they actually are.

    • 218
    • FAVS
    morning_aliceBrianSaetreMissClassAct______monstabrat________JiminyKicksItTollinsHaleyCaulfieldkellybrynn_
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    jamiewildcatsnuntaken______ben_cakeMaximMattlexyy121J9LHeureuxTheDavidMeniHeadlessGal
    Tetley6969SuSuSuDonym______
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    If you sit on a toilet the other way round it's like a little chair and table where you can secretly eat and cry.

    • 206
    • FAVS
    MysticPrism_Momfiamonstabrat________TomFuck4JiminyKicksItvella_bandachigbyCVTBaby
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    Mary66873CVTBabyBouncingdragon2JuanMHiguerafrancesca_elisekokaienleft_flankFranco7093
    JuliaEveHays
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds.

    • 218
    • FAVS
    BrianSaetremonstabrat________JiminyKicksItken_ssekimpiTheD_BagJarBashfullsmilelinajk____________left_flank
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    MisslucyLeeCVTBabyEl_nacho_Nigrejerrica_frazier__JackCojiSan______jasonlight73CasiFerneAndyScreaming____
    Robski_Boy
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Multi-tasking is a great way to fuck several things up at once.

    • 182
    • FAVS
    monstabrat________JiminyKicksItCVTBabyBashfullsmileLuckyLea13TheUnseenMe______PopSquirts________andygirl
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    tjkohler46superkimmy1972JulieBuurstrafunnyguyomi5491KimberleySDavisheyprofbowVioletThunk
    FRANKSTALICIOUS
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, then you are one pretty transexual.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    chrisjooniormonstabrat________JiminyKicksItsuperduperkewlken_ssekimpiBashfullsmilekanekos69DanTheSnick__
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    snatchaweavejmark_taylor52CVTBabyItsNotDavey______DMac130uloolalauren______FRANKSTALICIOUSnukebrewer
    cheriogaleus
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    I save money on expensive sex lines by phoning a suicide helpline and threatening to kill myself if they don't talk dirty.

    • 164
    • FAVS
    CVTBabymonstabrat________JiminyKicksItBashfullsmileFRANKSTALICIOUSleft_flankspotswojcheezeburg________
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    DanTheSnick__whyamisotiredadam_rochfordBlondieCherCheekyswineMattmidnight___owlBloatedCarcassElifcello
    Thedudish
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    It's cute when people refer to their porn machines as 'computers'.

    • 171
    • FAVS
    monstabrat________JBrohan808HormonellaJiminyKicksItCVTBabyBashfullsmilebabyvenus111left_flank
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    Jellyfish88left_flankKJack_NastyFaceWhyLazarusHushingViolence__dexgleDvL305Spideroger
    SendTulips________
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    It's stupid when people say "I think I'm gonna call it a night". Hate to break it to you, but it's been called that for ages now.

    • 169
    • FAVS
    monstabrat________JiminyKicksItTheMedia411CVTBabyBashfullsmileJillFenderleft_flankDanTheSnick__
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    snatchaweaveanotherava________ItsNotDavey______piplipsSpiderogerSaraESpiveyDSkyDLimitClaptomaan
    siouxdonnem
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    Holy shit, I just sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book! This is so embarrassing. Plus, it cost an absolute fortune in stamps.

    • 174
    • FAVS
    BrianSaetremonstabrat________JBrohan808BashfullsmileDanTheSnick__DJHouseSlipperschimp_chumpnazmraz
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    nickinthebackquart_dubbHushingViolence__Boomtown422crysPbaconfemin9Epper1rage_bot
    MyCoalBarros______
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    I've seen so many 11/11/11 jokes today, I feel like I've been date raped.

    • 151
    • FAVS
    monstabrat________JiminyKicksItBashfullsmileFRANKSTALICIOUSleft_flanknazmrazNotKarmamichelle_angus
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    ShachiminOhNoSheTwitnttiaFTWPodyTheCirate____mikeelliot82DubbsMQTWinniee_91MauMichael
    emirkr
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    It's stupid when my girlfriend asks me if I'll ever cheat on her. Who else would I cheat on?

    • 164
    • FAVS
    dammit_emmamonstabrat________CVTBabyleft_flankDanTheSnick__DJHouseSlipperschimp_chumpnazmraz
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    AshLynLovCVTBabysnatchaweavedanoverherehoneybadgerMelDarthVennpiplipsSpideroger
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    I can't be the only person who thinks 'game on, motherfucker' whenever they see an air freshener in a bathroom.

    • 172
    • FAVS
    monstabrat________chigbyGiddythefuckupJollyReprobateTheD_BagJarBashfullsmileleft_flankDanTheSnick__
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    JollyReprobateCVTBabyTheD_BagJarBetter_CleversgwallaceSpiderogerSaraESpiveyMJasonRoberts
@NotDeakins

@NotDeakins

For the love of God, someone please report me for spam to get me off this thing.