Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

It's cute how beer advertisers think I give a shit about the "crisp, refreshing taste". Guys, I just want the screaming in my head to stop.

Sometimes I'll have sex with my girlfriend just so I can last longer when I watch porn later.

I wonder if crocodiles wear polo shirts with rapists stitched on them.

Hey, the army. Camouflage your helicopters blue, not green. You're fucking welcome.

I hate it when you stand up too quickly and then the rest of your life plays out with a grim inevitability.

Checking Facebook is like checking your underwear after a fart - there's usually nothing new, and if there is, it's just shit.

If I pour superglue into a non-stick frying pan, somebody is going to be wrong, right?

I guess explosions at prosthetic limb factories always look a lot worse than they actually are.

If you sit on a toilet the other way round it's like a little chair and table where you can secretly eat and cry.

Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds.

Multi-tasking is a great way to fuck several things up at once.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, then you are one pretty transexual.

I save money on expensive sex lines by phoning a suicide helpline and threatening to kill myself if they don't talk dirty.

It's cute when people refer to their porn machines as 'computers'.

It's stupid when people say "I think I'm gonna call it a night". Hate to break it to you, but it's been called that for ages now.

Holy shit, I just sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book! This is so embarrassing. Plus, it cost an absolute fortune in stamps.

I've seen so many 11/11/11 jokes today, I feel like I've been date raped.

I can't be the only person who thinks 'game on, motherfucker' whenever they see an air freshener in a bathroom.

It's stupid when my girlfriend asks me if I'll ever cheat on her. Who else would I cheat on?