"I don't care what we do as long as we mention California in at least 8 songs" -Red Hot Chili Peppers discussing the next album

George W. Bush: President #APresidentAndAFunnyJob

I'm so atheist, i'll do whatever it takes to suppress a sneeze in public just to avoid being blessed.

Ding jong kim tee boo kachi kin bing kong #prayforkorea (hope god knows gibberish)

"Time is honey" -bears

What's the etiquette on letting someone you're holding hostage have your wi-fi password. I don't wanna be a dick, you know?

Midgets always look like they're pregnant in their butt.

If you're gonna pay a hooker to sleep with you, at least ask to see to her medical records first to make sure she doesn't have insomnia.

I always knew I'd outlive the world's oldest man.

Billion dollar idea: come up with a really bad idea and call it a religion.

Just got my first tattoo! But I was smart about it. Got it on the inside of my foreskin, so if I ever regret it, I can just get circumcised.

Guys who put mistletoe above their dick will show up to poetry class and read Drake lyrics.

I really like dane cook. For real. Sorry. Unfollow me.

I got a Nickelback shirt for Christmas once, but I only wear it to sleep, on laundry day, to the gym, and when I go to Nickelback concerts.

Accidentally got a boner while wearing skinny jeans, and now I'm circumcised.

Accidentally cut my wrist shaving again.

I only tip cows if their service is outstanding.

"I will probably never get around to listening to this shit" -what my voicemail should say.

@robdelaney I got into your show illegally, just like I did with america.

It saddens me to see so many young girls with cats. Why did you give up so soon?