"I don't care what we do as long as we mention California in at least 8 songs" -Red Hot Chili Peppers discussing the next album

I'm so atheist, i'll do whatever it takes to suppress a sneeze in public just to avoid being blessed.

What's the etiquette on letting someone you're holding hostage have your wi-fi password. I don't wanna be a dick, you know?

George W. Bush: President #APresidentAndAFunnyJob

"Time is honey" -bears

I always knew I'd outlive the world's oldest man.

If you're gonna pay a hooker to sleep with you, at least ask to see to her medical records first to make sure she doesn't have insomnia.

Midgets always look like they're pregnant in their butt.

Just got my first tattoo! But I was smart about it. Got it on the inside of my foreskin, so if I ever regret it, I can just get circumcised.

I got a Nickelback shirt for Christmas once, but I only wear it to sleep, on laundry day, to the gym, and when I go to Nickelback concerts.

Ding jong kim tee boo kachi kin bing kong #prayforkorea (hope god knows gibberish)

Billion dollar idea: come up with a really bad idea and call it a religion.

Accidentally cut my wrist shaving again.

I only tip cows if their service is outstanding.

It saddens me to see so many young girls with cats. Why did you give up so soon?

Guys who put mistletoe above their dick will show up to poetry class and read Drake lyrics.

Accidentally got a boner while wearing skinny jeans, and now I'm circumcised.

"I will probably never get around to listening to this shit" -what my voicemail should say.

You think your parents are bad? My parents told me God was fake way before they told me the truth about Santa.

I met my wife on Google+